


Arthur's Drunken Desire

by BritishTraveller



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, USUK - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:03:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4464746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BritishTraveller/pseuds/BritishTraveller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur just really wants his chippy tea. Crack!fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arthur's Drunken Desire

Arthur had been drinking for three hours. In direct sunlight. Without anything to eat.

Alfred had groaned at that fact as they sat drinking, unknowing that Arthur had been out on a bender for a couple of hours before their date. He had huffed when he had smelt the alcohol on his breath, the strong stench of a mix of gin and beer almost knocking Alfred back. "Jesus fuck, Arthur! How much have you _drank_?" He had asked, and he would have laughed at that question the next day.

Arthur had just replied with a lopsided grin and a little giggle, sliding down off the barstool in one swift movement. That was when Alfred realised he was in for a bumpy night.

"Arthur, hey, _Arthur_! God, man! Dude, just sit up. You're embarrassing yourself..." Alfred mumbled after helping the man of his affections up for the fifth time, the Brit finding it hilarious as he slid slowly off the very polished wooden table within the bar, cheek resting in his palm as his elbow held him up. Alfred had moved them to a slightly more secluded part of the pub now, and the Brit was still asking for more alcohol. Alfred rolled his eyes.

"I think you've had enough. Don't you?" Alfred had asked. He received a childish 'nuh-uh' in response, and cleared his throat.

"I wan' some _food_." Arthur admitted, a dopey smile plastered on his flushed face. His knees were together under the table, feet either side of the small stool as he leaned his upper body onto the table, watching Alfred nurse his beer. "Mm, you still on your third? C'monnnnn... I wan' you to get utterly _sh-sh-shmaaashed_." He giggled at his mispronunciation of _smashed_ , sighing dramatically. " _C'moooonnnn_!" He whined like an impatient little child, huffing and slumping onto the table, pouting with his chin resting on his folded hands as he blew out air, fringe bouncing from the outburst.

Alfred was growing impatient. "Let me finish my drink, a'ight? I'll get you food on the way home, yeah? Christ, it's usually the other way around..." He tsk-ed, downing his drink only to discover Arthur had bought them each another, grinning and laughing like he'd just been caught doing something naughty.

"Ruuuumbled..." The Brit sniggered, humming and picking up his newest pint with fondness. He studied it as though it were a fine wine before he realised he had no idea what he was even looking for and just taking a long swig. "Last one. Promise." He said to the other, smiling and watching Alfred drink.

Alfred knew ever to trust Arthur when he was drunk. Alfred was now mediocrely tipsy, arm wound around his boyfriend's waist as they stumbled down the street, Arthur laughing at a cat that sat upon the head of a passed out drunk, while Alfred shushed him loudly in his own drunken stupor.

"Alfred," Arthur practically sang to the American, stopping in the street and caressing his cheek, "you still didn't get any food..." He pouted, bursting into a grin and pressing his lips sloppily to Alfred's. "I'm _reaaaally_ hungry..." He batted his blond lashes at the other, sighing happily as he wound his arms around Alfred's neck, clearly forgetting where they were as he tried to initiate a make-out session in the middle of a dark street.

"Hey, hey now. Mmh, if you're hungry for dick I can give ya that, huh?" Alfred sniggered, kissing the Brit before unwinding his arms from his neck.

"I'm not some cheap date, ya'no." Arthur huffed suddenly, "I want my chippy tea."

Alfred tried not to laugh at his little outburst. "Uh-huh. You want fish an' chips or just the chips?" He slurred, humming and continuing their walk towards the flat. "Yah, I know. No vinegar- Jesus fuck, Arthur. I know, I ain't an invalid-"

Arthur giggled. "I don't think you used the right word then." He gasped so dramatically Alfred thought he'd been shot. "I SEE ONE! Come on, lad! Toot toot! Full steam ahead! I spy a chippy!"

Alfred was glad Arthur stopped complaining once he'd gotten his tray of chips. The Brit had looked so smug as he chewed one on their way back home, and Alfred had even dared to snatch one from the top of the pile. Arthur growled.

* * *

 

"Mmm, Alfred-" Arthur groaned, perched cross legged on their king size bed with his pyjama bottoms on already, fiddling about with the wrapper on his tray of chips as he tried to grab them blindly. "I wan' you to fuck me. I kno' I said I wa'n a cheap date, but I really kinda wan' you in me. Like riiiight now."

Well, Alfred didn't really wanna say no to that. "Arthur, ya'no that we've been living together for two years now, right? We weren't on a _date_ date." He rolled his eyes, gulping as he realised how alike Arthur he was becoming. He began to strip himself, the alcohol going straight to his head and his dick as he pulled down his unbuttoned jeans, kicking them off and nearly ripping his shirt off too. He watched Arthur shimmy out of his Jim-jams and grab his shoulder, yanking him close to kiss him sloppily.

"Mmh, you're so fit, Alfred." Arthur purred, grinning wickedly. He reached a hand into Alfred's underwear, gasping comically as he looked down and up to Alfred, looking him dead in the eyes as he muttered the words, "Ding dong! Someone's got a big dong~"

Alfred actually began to laugh. He hummed, licking his lower lip and leaning in closer. "Yeah? Well Big Ben's gonna rock your world, babe. Just lay back and enjoy the ride."

Arthur cringed. "Mm, c'mon then."

Some cringeworthy pickup lines and foreplay later, and Arthur was leaning on his forearms with his arse in the air, Alfred smearing some extra warmed up lube over his hole and pulling a condom on over his dick. He'd already stretched Arthur sloppily with three fingers, so he guessed he was good.

"Okay; you ready, babe?" Alfred asked, lining himself up with the Brit.

"Mmmhm!" Arthur hummed in reply, wiggling his arse before stopping after an exasperated sigh from Alfred who was struggling to get his dick in. "Oh, fuck!" Arthur groaned, grunting and huffing. Alfred felt panic rush through him, practically sobering him up as he looked at the blond.

"Fuck, shit! You okay, baby? Fuck, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry-" he went to pull out, but Arthur's words stopped him, forcing him to slam his hips down.

"No, I just asked for no vinegar and the bastard put it on. Fucks sake."

After Arthur's tantrum they were off to a good start, Alfred bucking his hips into Arthur and grabbing his hips, fingers digging into the soft flesh there as he fucked him. Arthur groaned at every sharp thrust, whining when Alfred pulled back and gasping when he pushed in. They had a nice pace going, Alfred throwing his head back as his hips did all the work, gasping and panting as he felt the tightness around him. Arthur was so fucking perfect, even when they were both blindly drunk.

Arthur was rocking forwards every other thrust, letting out a low groan. "Mmm, so good..." He sighed happily, gasping shortly after and thrusting back to meet Alfred's hips, no matter how hard it was for him to navigate so drunkenly. He groaned, turning to look at Alfred with lidded eyes and mouth hung open in a low o-shape, eyelids fluttering before his head hung low again, knees holding his body up.

Alfred's breath was becoming more ragged, Arthur murmuring Alfred's name in a mixture of Al and A-A-Alfred. "Oh, f-hah, mmh... Fuck, Arthur, yes- hah, I'm so close. You f-feel so damn good- W-mmh, Art, what are you doing?" He asked suddenly, thrusting not stopping or pace wavering as he asked with a furrow of his brows. "Arthur, fuck, man! I'm trying to fuck you here-"

"I knooooow, but my chips are getting cold a-ahhhn, mmh... A-and I just managed to get the extra crispy ones-"

"Oh sweet baby Jesus give me strength."

**Author's Note:**

> I've literally never written a proper crack fic before so this is a first for me!  
> I dedicate this to my lovely friend Katie after we made a joke from a USUK role-play we were doing, and she encouraged me to write this one-shot!


End file.
